so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
