And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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