he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
