My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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