I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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