I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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