I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
And then my night got REAL pukey
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize