Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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