Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize