Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
