Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize