Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
