I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize