why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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