when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
