wrigley field is MILF paradise
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
