just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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