Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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