I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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