she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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