Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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