I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
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