his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
