her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
