Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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