R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
