if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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