at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
