dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
