Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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