Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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