walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
