You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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