I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
