my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
