i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
