Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
