what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
