I am puke
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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