Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
