I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
