I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I think I sprained my soul last night
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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