I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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