Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
