a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
