my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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