girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The power of my boobs compel you
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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