You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
