My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I didn't notice because vodka
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
