I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
