I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize