so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
