He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
