Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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