I think my vagina is haunted
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
