I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
