All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
