I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
