9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
