he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
