trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my being single is dangerous.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
