It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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