Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
