just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Enjoy the penises
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
