$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
