I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
