So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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