Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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