Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
