Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
