Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
