so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
