i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
